Finding Him, Even When I Can’t Find Answers

There’s so much pain in this world. So much hurt, so much uncertainty. When I encounter these pains, I find myself asking:

“Lord, where are you in this pain?”

“Lord, why do you let these things happen?”

“Lord, if you’re so good, then why is there so much evil in the world you created?”

“Lord, if you love us and want to be with us, then why does it sometimes seem so hard to find you?”

I’ve been following Jesus for near my entire life, yet I don’t have the answers. Sometimes I might have the beginning of an answer or some probable explanations, but I never have certainty about the answers to these questions. Truth be told, that sucks.

Sometimes I get angry with God about these things. There are times I’ve thrown my fists down and yelled at Him in my fury. There are times I’ve experienced heartbreak over these things, and I cry and shout until I just can’t anymore.

One of the hardest things is when people ask me questions about these things. If I don’t have the answers for even myself, how will I be able to help other people who struggle with the same questions and doubts? I try my best to answer, but sometimes I don’t have any answer at all, and sometimes what little response I have might be misguided. It can make me scared to answer, and it’s frustrating.

However, I am glad when people bring their questions and doubts to me, because it reminds me that I’m not the only one who struggles with these things. If those around me are honest with me about their doubts, then I can be honest with myself about mine too. It also gives me the opportunity to offer to keep looking for the answers with others; it gives us the opportunity to find a shoulder to lean on.

I am also so glad to hear of people who have gone through intense times of wrestling with questions like these, and have still found God in the middle of it, even if they didn’t find all the answers. I don’t know why God doesn’t give all the answers (that’s another question of mine), but I do know that His word tells us that He’s good and that He loves with an unfailing, unconditional love, and that it’s a love that I can still find even in my questioning. I know that He doesn’t leave us alone when we go through these thoughts, and I know that He can even use those times of struggle to increase our faith in Him.

Most importantly, I know that my doubts in Him didn’t stop Him from going to the cross for me. I know that He’s not scared, intimidated, or angry about my struggles. I know that He desires to meet me right in the middle of my every mess, and that He covers me in His love, even when I’m angry with Him.

These are the things that continue to give me hope. These are the things that help me to trust that though I don’t have the answers now, someday I will, and that whatever the answers are, that they will be good answers; the best and most loving for this world, because that’s what God does and who He is: He’s good and He loves.

These things help me to find hope in my times of wrestling, because I know that no matter what happens, I will still have Christ. I will still be loved, unconditionally and beyond all measure, by Him, for all time. He hasn’t ever let me down, and though I sometimes doubt that He never will, I will take my doubts and point them to the cross. I’ll point them to the very place where He showed me that He was willing to give everything for me, the place where He showed that He won’t let me down, the place where no doubt or pain or anger in all the world could stop Him from loving me. I’ll lean on that cross.

Today, I don’t have the answers, and I don’t have 100% certainty. What I do have is a God-given strength to keep trusting Him. Today, I have only a little faith, but it’s just enough to help me to keep walking forward, and to know that I am loved.

Today, that is enough for me.

Love always,

Amberly

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