Tag Archives: creativity

called to create

Tonight in my wind ensemble rehearsal, I actually enjoyed playing my clarinet for the first time in a while. I’ve played for about 11 years, but I’ve had a complicated relationship with my clarinet for the past couple. Somewhere down the line, I started to care too much about whether or not I sounded great, and I felt like there wasn’t much of a point to playing at all if I didn’t sound great. There are several problems with that mindset, and one of them is that I would lose the desire to play whenever I felt insecure about my skills. Since I’m too hard on myself, this has happened a lot.

But tonight I tried to take a different approach to playing. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to have studied music in college, to play clarinet, and even just to own my beautiful instrument.

I’m a sinner. I don’t deserve grace or mercy. I don’t deserve the clothes on my back, or the heat of the sun that shines down on me, or another day. And I don’t deserve Christ’s life given for me on the cross. But God has given me all of those things, and more than that too. It is by the grace and love of God that I get to create music; it’s another gift that he has lavished on me. And it’s a good gift.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, with whom there is no change or shifting shadow.” -James 1:17

Put that way, I can stop worrying about whether or not I sound great, and I can play out of a heart of thankfulness.

I think that people need to create out of thankfulness. Not just music, but art or writing or cooking; any number of things.

Have you ever gone through an extended period of time where you didn’t create anything? Or perhaps you only created anything for the sake of achieving productivity. That’s what I’ve been doing lately, more or less, and it has made me feel sad and empty. But when I create something just for the fun of it, just because I can, I feel good. I feel a sense of purpose and joy at the marvel of building something with my own hands.

If we’re made in the image of God, I think we need to create. I suppose it’s a calling. None of us would exist without his desire to create, and I think that he has passed that desire onto us. I think it’s good for our souls and minds and bodies. But we can’t create just to try and be great. If that’s your purpose, you’ll just find yourself at a dead end sooner or later.

I think that God loves to listen to me play clarinet, but not because my playing knocks his socks off or anything like that. It doesn’t. Rather, he loves to listen to me play because he loves me and because he’s the one who gives me the ability to play. When I play, I’m making good use of one of the gifts he has given me, and I think that it warms his heart. My playing is like a silly crayon drawing that God has hung up on his fridge. He doesn’t love it because it’s amazing; he loves it because he made me. And he feels the same way whenever you create too.

finding the joy of music again: a new journey

As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I believe that the arts can be very helpful to those who are dealing with mental health conditions. With the arts, I can express my emotions, set goals, practice fulfilling activities, and sometimes find that sense of being lost in a creative flow.

Yet, as a music student, I find that my motivation to work as a musician is often hindered by my mental state. Yet, when I’m struggling to find passion for music, I still have a drive to make visual art, to learn more about fashion, or to write. In fact, I think I have even more of a drive to practice the other arts I enjoy when I’m feeling down, though my motivation as a musician struggles.

The difference is that, because I am in music school, music doesn’t feel like as much of an art to me anymore. It feels like a thing of necessity. It is not an expression of emotions anymore; it is a fulfillment of requirements. For me, music school often turns music into a lifeless chore for me. It makes me tired and it isn’t usually fun.

I want to try and rediscover the fun of music. I wish it was simple, but I feel like I’ll have to dig through years of stress and pressure and perfectionism to find the fun of it underneath it all.

Meanwhile, I can’t stop treating music as an academic thing for me. I have pieces I need to accomplish right now, and techniques that demand to be mastered. I can’t drop the responsibility and treat music as a thing that is solely for fun. So how will I rediscover music as an enjoyable and life-giving activity, while simultaneously keeping up with the demands of my current life as a musician? I am unsure.

I think I need to find some music related activities to engage in just for the heck of it. I need to find some new albums that inspire me, or learn a piece that I like but that I won’t program for a recital. Something that I won’t pressure myself to make perfect. Maybe I need to analyze a favorite piece of mine without the pressure of it being an assignment for class. Or maybe I need to find a way to incorporate the other arts that I’m still excited about into my music making.

I don’t really know.. but what I do know is that I’m in some sort of rut, and I haven’t been able to get out of it for a while. I need to do something, because I’m definitely not willing to give up.

I think this blog could maybe help me. By writing about my journey to rediscover the joy of music, I’ll have a place to document my findings. I’ll have a project to continue with, and projects like this make me excited.

I often look around at the musicians surrounding me and wonder why I’m the only one who feels the way I do. And then I remember that I’m probably not the only one… so in case anyone else needs it, here I am as some proof that not all musicians or artists feel motivated all the time… and that’s okay. 🙂